Letting go of life’s  uncontrollables and unchangeables looks something like this:

~ Admitting the obvious truth--that you are not responsible to affect a change or correct a problem which is beyond your competency, power, authority or responsibility.
~ Releasing over-responsibility--giving permission to yourself to be free from an over-responsible sense of obligation, duty or requirement to make everything "perfect" in your life and the life of others.
~ Realizing that perfectionism is impossibility--allowing yourself to rid yourself of the perfectionistic need to control every aspect of your life so that nothing goes "wrong" in it.
~ Getting rational about what you can and cannot do--becoming realistic about what is and is not your obligation or duty to correct, change or control.
~ Allowing yourself to be able to say "no" or "I can't" when faced with insurmountable problems out of your reach.
~ Developing and maintaining trust in God or a Higher Power of your choice- and replying upon the fact that God or your Higher Power is bigger and stronger and much better equipped to handle the things that you must let go of.
~ Accepting your powerlessness over the uncontrollable and unchangeable things and handing these things over to your Higher Power with or without an understanding of all of the “whys” involved.
~ Developing and sustaining a realistic acceptance of loss--after fully grieving a loss admitting that there is nothing left to be done but to accept the loss and hand the loss from this point on over to your Higher Power's care and love.
~ Surrender—the recognition, after several attempts and testing alternatives with the final conclusion being that that you can do nothing to change the circumstances of the issue and that it would be saner and more realistic to free your energy up by surrendering and letting go of the issue entirely and handing it over  fully to your Higher Power.


Inability to let go of life’s uncontrollables and unchangeables looks something like this, you might:

~ Become so obsessed with the need to solve everything on your own that you run the risk of physical and emotional exhaustion (a.k.a. “burnout.”)
~ Never attain personal serenity and peace in your life.
~ Never establish an effective means of "handing over" to your Higher Power the "too big to solve" issues in your life and thus become bogged down in "chasing your tail" in these areas. (Often referred to as “making the same mistakes over and over”  or “not learning from one’s mistakes.”)
~ Never be at rest because your issues are constantly provoked and stirred up. This can only drain your body, mind and Spirit.
~ Become generally anxious, stressed,  insecure and depressed so much that your personal effectiveness lessens at home, work, school or in the community.
~ Become obsessed with these issues so much that they are the only topic of conversation or focus of attention you have in your life.
~ Experience “withdrawal” when the usual level of turmoil and chaos are not present and then (sometimes knowingly, mostly unknowingly) re-create or create problems to restore and maintain the level of emotional distress that you’ve become “addicted” to.
~ Be driven by the sense of feeling like failure, not being "good enough" or carrying guilt and/or shame for not fixing the issues or preventing them in the first place. This is a downward spiral that nearly always results in the belief that you are a failure, a mistake in general, who is hopelessly out of control and unredeemable.
~ Become a chronic care-taker which is  a.k.a. “competition with God” as the source of wisdom and light in the lives of those whom you are so desperately trying to control, change and ultimately fix. (Sometimes referred to as “rescuing behaviors,” “care-taking,” and/or  “hero syndrome.” )
~ Exacerbate low self-esteem and self-loathing issues by being over-taken by feelings of shame, guilt, failure and incompetence because you cannot solve the unsolvable problems that you believe you can solve.
~ Lose everything of importance by continuously making poor choices, taking risks,  and self-sabotaging in a fruitless attempt to control things beyond your control. Marriages, money, success, businesses, jobs, children, relationships, physical health, sanity  and even one’s very life can and have been lost when caught in this cycle.


Here are some examples (not all-inclusive) of the irrational thinking that can lead to the inability to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in life:

* I must solve every problem that comes my way.
* Only I can solve these problems.
* If I don't solve these problems, I will be seen by others as a failure or no good.
* I need to fix all of these things perfectly and as soon as possible.
* There is no one else available who is going to help me solve these problems.
* All those people need to do is to follow what I've told them to do.
* This place would be ideal if it would only do what I want it to do.
* These things wouldn't be so bad off if they had been left to me to take care of by myself.
* They don't know what to do and they need me to tell them.
* They can't do anything right without me. If they lose or fail, it will reflect badly on me.
* What would others think if things didn't work out the way they were supposed to?
* I've only known crisis, chaos and panic in my life so why should I expect any peace, calmness or serenity if I leave them to take care of themselves?
* I must make everything better around here or else I'll go crazy.
* If I let go too soon, things might change and “bad” or “worse” things could happen as a result of that change.
* If I let go of them, I might lose them.
* If I stop trying to fix and change them, they would no longer need me and leave me.
* There must be a way to turn them around and I can't give up yet.
* What if they blame me for not taking care of them if they fail or fall flat on their faces?
* I'd rather sacrifice myself than have them blame me later for not helping them.
* They are so irresponsible they would never do it on their own.


How to begin letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life:

In order to let go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life, it can be helpful to follow the words of the Prayer for Serenity (this is just one version of the popular prayer):

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to growth and peace. Trusting that God as I understand God/  MyHigher Power will make all things right and just because I cannot see or understand fully from my current perspective does not mean good is not occurring.

By letting go of the uncontrollables and unchangeables in your life, you allow people, places and things to be responsible for themselves, which takes a tremendous burden off you. By freeing yourself of this huge burden, you will appreciate life more for what it is. You will have the energy and strength to pursue your own interests. You will be able to relax and have fun. You will be able to begin to live your own life, work on our own issues, heal your own wounds, and take care of yourself. This is the way to peace and freedom from unhealthy guilt and shame in your life.

~ Inspired by an article written by J. Messina, Ph.D., from which many portions were borrowed.